Things just haven't been going my way lately.
My bill's are past due, my love life sucks and my cat ran away. I have zero motivation. I've lost my push and passion for all things good in this world. I'm all dead inside, I got no dream. I need to find something real, something that can take me away from all this. I guess there's really only one thing I can do now; road trip.
Where's a boy to go for the weekend with $20 and a full tank of gas? Southbeach is the obvious choice but what about Tampa or Orlando or something different? Southbeach has the hot minority chics, Tampa has Mons Venus and Orlando has Disney World. Come to think of it they're all the same place. Maybe I should go where, boldly, I've gone before. The hauntings of Savannah, Georgia. It's such a good change of pace and not to far away. I like the sound of that, let's do it.
I embark on my journey with high hopes that anything or at least something, could happen. You know Savannah is Americas most haunted city, maybe I could meet a nice dead girl there. I've been so down lately that a visit with the undead could be just what the doctor ordered. Anything could happen and what do you know, something did happen, just a little sooner than I thought.
Cutting through Arcadia on my way north, my front left tire starts to make a weird noise. I pull in to the closest gas station to check it out. Turns out I ran over a litter of kittens and a few of them got stuck in my wheel well. I hate it when that happens. After hosing them off I go in the mini mart to get some chocolate milk.
I open the door and head right for the counter keeping my head down not to attract any attention to myself. I ask the little sales girl if she has any chocolate milk. I look up and meet face to face with this homely little dark haired angel with big deer eyes staring back at me. We just stare at each other, I'm completely mesmerized by her. After 5 seconds of dead air I'm about to tell her I love her and she speaks, "Did you look in the chocolate milk section?" I look to my right and see this big flashing neon sign that says, "Chocolate Milk Section" I turn and say, "Oh, I'll be right back" She reply's, "I can hardly wait."
A smile cracks on my face as I approach the most unbelievable chocolate milk section I've ever seen. There was chocolate milk from all over the world, Swiss chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate and caramel, chocolate and peanut butter, goat milks, ostrich milks, and even kitten milk. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I chose a Swiss milk chocolate mixed with a low fat goat milk and returned with my selection to the counter.
"I told you I'd be back," I mumbled. "I'm surprised you could find your way," She says as she rings up my order. I drop a dollar on the counter and say keep the change. "She looks up and says, "I would in 1950 but it's 2006 and it's $2 and 50 cents." "Oh," as I stumble through my pockets. "Pow, here's a 5 spot, how do you like me now?" "About as much as I didn't before, but thanks for the tip." I turn to walk away and do a face plant into the ass of a big fat black guy bent over grabbing a candy bar. "Jesus," I yelled and stumble to the door. "Watch it gay boy," the man yells back at me.
I open the front door and a light breeze catches my hair as the door bells ring. Time seems to slow down as a golden beam of sunlight brushes my face ever so gently. I turn to the girl and make eye contact, "I have to see you again. I feel like there's some unresolved passion in our hearts yearning to be set free." She smiles at me and she has a gap in her front teeth a mile wide. "I feel exactly the same way," an old lady in curlers steps from behind the shelves carrying a bag of pork rinds. After a moment of awkward silence I speak, "I'm sorry but I was speaking to the dark angel behind the counter." The old lady drops her pork rinds and runs into the bathroom. "Did that just happen," I thought. "But what is your name dark angel?" "It's Aurora," as she smiles all embarrassed and giddy like. My face freezes and I exclaim, "I'm Borealis," as we both freak out from the coincidence. "I was having car trouble but now all know is I want to make out with you." "Well," she says, "I have to work at the 8 Ball BBQ & Laundry after my shift in a few minutes. Why don't you drop by and wash your shorts?" "Okay, great. I'll go freshen up and slip into something more comfortable." I look down at myself and realize I'm barefoot with no shirt on and cut offs. "And by the looks at what I'm wearing, that would be naked. Okay great. I'll see you there."
I walk out the door thinking how stupid I must've sounded and what am I doing hitting on some Arcadia girl. She'll probably beat my ass and take my wallet. 'Course, I don't have a wallet but you just don't know how tough these girls can be. I look back and she's sharpening a Bowie knife and smiling at me. "Yeah that's right, you know you want some of this," I thought as I stuck my ass out and wiggled it and blew her a kiss. What am I doing? I can't even buy a drunk girl a drink at home and now I'm doing the ass dance in some parking lot and blowing a kiss to an axe murderer? Well, maybe Arcadia's the place for me to shine. I could settle down and get married and get my grove back. I could work at the laundry mat and rent a trailer on the Peace River and breed kittens for a living. Crazier things have happened.
I bust open the screen door to the Laundry Mat and I realize I should've gotten there sooner. All the washers were taken and there were two guys making out on the pool table. The dryer section was rockin though. I look around at everyone in the place and I immediately realize I'm over dressed. My pink Kimono and head band was in sharp contrast to all the cowboy hats and over-alls . I hate that. I see my little Aurora pouring beers at the bar next to the washers and I immediately perk up. "Hi Borealis, you made it. What would you like to drink," she says. "Ummm, I'll take a cosmopolitan with two cherries and I Shirley temple chaser." Chics always dig the way I order. She looks down baffled and says, "Why am I not surprised?" I decide to throw one of my best lines at her, "So, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" "What? Oh, well ummm, I was born here and my daddy runs a small child prostitution ring off highway 41 and now I kinda find myself in a relationship with my brother." "Hey there, that's a little to much information," I choke out. "What'd you say I take you away from all this? We could start a new life together in Port Charlotte. I know a sweet little thrift store that's hiring and I could take a job digging ditches. What'd you say Aurora?" After a few moments of contemplation she says, "I'll tell you what Borealis, why don't you finish your drink and meet me behind the Laundromat in 15 minutes." I knew she would be in on this and now she probably wants to consummate our relationship.
I go around back and instead of my dark angel Aurora showing up I meet 5 guys in hoods beating me down with pillow cases filled with batteries. They sufficiently beat the hell out of me while they laugh and high five. They really showed this city boy. When I come to I find that I'm duck taped naked ass first to the front of a canoe cruising in alligator infested waters of the Peace River. "Where did the love go man," I yell in desperation. What were the odds of those guys in hoods being back there the same time I was supposed to meet Aurora? You know I'm just trying to mind my own business and follow my heart and where does it take me? Ass first into an alligator pit, that's where it takes me. "Well, that's ok," I thought as I watched a shooting star reflect in the murky waters, "the night sky just won't be the same until I'm back in the arms of my Aurora. Not that I ever was in the arms of Aurora in the first place but after a good night of gator bashing I'll be back and ready to party. Let's get it on."
from the mind of Andy Howard, all rights reserved 2005